I am deeply enthralled at the fact of how much I loved him.
Yet I still wonder, was it really love I was feeling?
I just can’t even put myself or feel the same things I used to feel 4 years ago.
Now, it all seems so different.
A change in perspective.
Something’s changed in me.
I don’t feel that way about him anymore and the truth is I’m actually happy.
Not the fact that he’s out of my life, but the fact that his life is well taken cared for.
I believe The Lord heard my prayers, and I’m glad.
I am honestly at peace with the situation.
The only problem is I feel like I’m making the same mistake with a guy I like now.
I really, really, don’t want to end up in the same boat I was in last summer.
I cried today, because I felt insecure.
I’m tired of feeling that way when it comes to a guy.
I’m tired of not being able to talk to a guy I like, let alone just to say, “hi,” to him.
I want to be able to do that.
I want to be able to say, "Hi."
yeah I said it, Hi
It’s these simple words I cannot muster to someone who holds my affections.
I feel insecure about it because if I can’t simply make a move or feel comfortable around someone I like, then how in the world can I feel comfortable around my future husband?
Another thing, I feel like he has many suitors, and I feel last on the train for my feelings for him.
How obscure is my thinking to feel outwitted and undone by all these other females.
Each one of these girls are very beautiful, generous, caring and wonderful ladies whom I personally have met.
Each of them I feel sure would make a suitable match for him.
Yet it hurts again.
It hurts to feel like I won’t have what’s mine.
Truth is though, is he really mine?
The answer is no.
I have no way to think that The Lord is somehow to going to give me things simply for to have for my own pleasure. Like a wishing well, were I get my things and leave, coming back for more and more and never giving back. Always taking.
Yet the feeling inside my soul still wants to fall in love, and get married and find true love.
I don’t want to be single forever.
Yes, this is truly how I feel.
And all the while I ask for my future husband, or to find this person; I feel selfish about the whole thing.
I just feel strange about it all.
Every time I think about it, I get a lump in my throat like I am at this very moment.
I’m just tired of feeling unworthy.
I’m tired of feeling like I’ll never be with someone, especially with someone I actually like.
I don’t even know why I get this weird presumption that The Lord is going to put me with someone I won’t actually like.
And I sometimes feel it’s my fault the guys I’ve ever really developed feelings for end up not becoming anything because I was too chicken to say a thing to them.
I feel like God is saying, “Oops, sorry. Because you didn’t make a move, I’m going to give him to somebody else who will actually do something about it. Good luck trying though.”
That is seriously how I feel, and I feel like He’s giving all I ever wanted, away.
It hurts that I think that because I read Psalm 37:4 which states, "Be delighted with the Lord. Then he will give you all your heart’s desires."
Yet I still feel selfish in the act of asking God for a specific person.
Like the person I’m even asking for likes me too, when in fact I have no idea if that is true.
Truth is, I’ve done this before and I look back on this boy I held on for so long and realize I wish I hadn’t asked for him, because I know in my heart we weren’t meant for each other.
And now I’m at peace with my past love, but looking onward to this guy,
I’m wondering if I’m still making the same mistake…
Perhaps my heart is still grieving or is trying to make it’s own way of demanding love.
I still am not sure, but I don’t want to feel selfish about this whole matter.
I deeply care about this guy, though I’ve never said two words to him, and I wonder to myself again, what I’m getting myself into.
I am just tired of being afraid.
So deeply afraid to be myself.
To just step out of this darn comfort zone, and take a step of faith.
I wonder why my heart is all in this, wanting a guy thing still, but it’s there.
And I am still patiently waiting, for my prince to come.
I just want to let everything out again.
It’s been rough.
More strife and bitterness.
Backbiting and gossip.
Slander and lies.
Back and forth.
Does hatred do anything to the soul?
For the heart? Mind?
It is not sound.
I can’t take it anymore.
Yet it’s impossible to be far from it in a world like this.
I just want there to be peace in this home, yet it feels so far from home.
I know I can’t force anyone, and I know I am no better than any.
Yet why are there times where I feel self-righteous?
Why are these evil malicious thoughts piercing my mind, when something comes up?
I want to cry.
I want to scream.
But I can’t, because it wouldn’t solve anything.
I want to be more loving and kind.
Not complaining and whining to and fro.
I want to learn to really be used by God but how?
How do I pierce the very selfish being inside?
I wish I could make them see but it is not my job.
So what do I do?
Running away will solve nothing.
Whining about it will not solve anything.
The only place is to come to God.
Every word, every thing will be displayed for all to know on that day.
Am I ready?
How much time? I do not know.
Only He does.
Will that be enough for me to reconcile with them?
Will they be able to listen to me?
How can I bring others with me?
I should stop worrying.
It won’t add any days to my life.
Yet I wonder what I should do.
I think I know…